🐺Being the bad guy🐺...on the blame game

I was sitting in the office of my teammate when she asked me, “What did you do to that guy?”

She was referring to a person on a team we managed who really didn’t like me.

It had been years since I had been the coach and manager of this person but his dislike for me had persisted.  And he wasn’t quite about it.

He was even known to say to other leaders, “Don’t Maggie me.”

So what did I do to him?

The truth is that I’m not really sure.  

At the time I worked with him, I was new to my position of leadership and trying to find my way in this organization.  I was, of course, still growing my skills as a leader.

I’m sure I made mistakes in the course of our work. 

But what I remember most is trying really hard to figure out how to effectively coach him, how to deliver meaningful feedback tactfully and in a way that could be received, and, frankly, how to get him to like me.

I eventually tapped out, said that someone else should try, maybe I was the problem.

What I see now, all these years later, is how “not being liked” took me out of the game of leadership.

So I spent my time as a developing leader trying to figure out how to:

• Be nicer

• Say things more gently

• Let people know “I was on their side.”

• Host conversations where people told me what I had done wrong without a dialogue about how to learn and grow together

I love the organization I worked at.  I wanted to do great work.  I cared a lot about the mission and the people doing the work.

And, even today, it’s a little bit haunting to have someone inside of a place like that who thinks I was a bad leader.

But the thing I left out of the story, the context we should all care about, is the person who blames me for so much in their work, had serious skill gaps that affected their impact.

I expected that person to be open to feedback, to learn and grow, to face the challenge of the work head on and with support and guidance.

But that made me the bad guy.

And I started to believe that maybe I was.

My system for support at the time wasn’t set up to help me to reground in my values, to repair where needed, and to continue to do good work aligned with my North Star in leadership.  Instead, I internalized pressure to “keep everyone happy.”

This story, a story I still carry a faded but present scar from, is part of why I do the work of coaching and supporting leaders now.

You get to lead with clarity and that means confronting hard truths:

• Not everyone will like to work with you; this isn’t always (even, often) an indication you’re doing a bad job

• Some people you will be in charge of leading, won’t want to learn and grow

• You’ll get blamed for things that have nothing to do with you and come from the person’s past

You also get to lead with North Star Vision:

• Being deeply connected to your values and using them to guide you forward or to repair

• Nervous system or embodied support so that you can regulate yourself when you’re the target of someone’s anger or resentment

• Confidence in what you’re trying to build and create so you can talk with people about it, instead of getting caught up in always “saying the right thing”

This is part of why I’m so passionate about coaching leaders.  I want you to feel free and thrive in your work.  I don’t want you beaten down by taking in constant criticism and complaint.

I’m offering a free one hour long coaching session for any leader who could use more support in doing the work they love with less stress, less feeling blamed, and less fear of what others think.

You can read more about the coaching session HERE and sign up for a time that works for you.

My friend, this work can be hard and weird, but you don’t have to go it alone.

Cheering you on through all of it,

Maggie