A book rec to save your sanity

Not every person on our teams or in our organizations has the same ability to learn, grow, and reflect.

Obvious?

Perhaps. 

But I’ve seen a lot of leaders (and I’ve done it myself) who pour time and energy into a person who is steadfast in not responding to coaching and feedback.

This results in stress, overwhelm, resentment, cynicism, and burnout.

Now, if you’re like me -Calling all high-performing internalizers! - we have been trained to never give up, be tenacious in our work, and when someone isn’t learning, interrogate our role in it.

All of that has its place.

And, frankly, it’s what I see most of you doing.

But when someone has given us a data set across time that includes things like:

• Acting on feedback for a moment then returning to old ways

• Being hostile, shut down, or defensive in meetings

• Making most interactions about the faults of the leader or coach

• Gossiping

• Fixation on what’s wrong and not working

They might not be a person who is currently not capable of benefiting from additional time and support from a leader.

And there’s a cost that comes with refusing to see someone’s limitations.

Here are some things it’s cost me:

• Time - lots and lots of time

• Sanity - denying a person’s fixed ability is a way of gaslighting myself

• Commitment to people who DO want to learn and grow

• Optimism - the world starts to feel dark

Denying the current limitation of a person and continuing to throw our shoulder into a brick wall, doesn't make them a crazy person, it makes us one.

In my personal journey of trying to learn what’s mine, what’s their’s, what’s the universe’s, I came across a series of books by clinical psychologist, Lindsay C. Gibson.

I now believe that the book Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People should be part of our required reading as leaders.  

An emotionally immature person is someone who struggles to manage their emotions effectively, often displaying behaviors like excessive self-centeredness, poor communication skills, difficulty taking responsibility, impulsive reactions, and a lack of empathy, essentially acting in ways that are more characteristic of a younger child than an adult in their situation. 

And guess what?

We lead and work with emotionally immature people.

We might even see aspects of this in ourselves or within our family systems.

I don’t offer this resource as a way to label or shame people.  

I believe that each of us carries the possibility of transformation in each moment we walk on this earth.  I also believe that we can’t force each other to change.

I do offer this resource as a way of helping ourselves see and perceive situations with greater clarity.

Leaders should be responsible.

Leaders also need to know what they are not responsible for.

And when we are clear about both sides of the coin of responsibility, we are empowered to use our time, talent, and resources better.

We can stop making ourselves feel crazy and overwhelmed by self doubt when a person on our team doesn’t respond to countless attempts of support.  Instead, we can shine our light on those that are able to partner with us in growth and learning.

Cheering you on in sanity and in leadership!

Maggie